My voice

I'm working on my voice since October last year most every day. I used some of the techniques that were given by Andrea James on her voice course. I tried to removed the resonance and raised the pitch. Like so many people said to me, don't expect any significant changes soon, you'll have to work on your voice. When I listen back to some recordings I made in October and compare them to my voice today. I hear a great improvement. So what did I do? Well, I had continued to used the techniques and worked/trained every false note that was in my voice.
As a result of the hard training, someone called my 'miss' on the phone last week. Finally I don't have to feel awkward any more when I have to speak while I'm in female mode.

Trapped in a man's body?

My therapist asked me if I feel 'trapped in a man's body'. The answer is no. I never felt it that way. I feel like I am socially raped. I am being forced to perform acts I don't want to.

Be yourself

It is commonly said: "Be yourself". And everyone agrees with that. But why do your loved ones don't want you to show your true being?

Gender clinic (follow up)

Finally after months and months waiting, I finally got a call from the Gender clinic. I have an appointment next week for an intake. After the call I was smiling from ear to ear and I couldn't get my face back to a relax state. The exact opposite of a poker face. Geez, I'm so happy.

Lunch

My wife quitte her job. She will be at home 24x7. This is the last time I can have my lunch at home while looking like this. :-(

Work

I am happy I quitted my job 5 months ago and started my own company. The best decision in ages. I finally found my dignity back. Freedom at last. I was sick of the bullying, the humiliation, the endless criticism and the gossips. I gave 4 hard years for innovation, but they rather stick to their old way of working. In the last months of being there, I was dead and completely lived out.
But now am I back working on my career. I work with talented people, I get paid much more and I have more days off.

The Redlight District

 The shortest route from the market at Nieuwmarkt to the Damrak is through the Redlight District. Now I don't enjoy the Redlight District like an average man. I feel sorry for the girls who work there. If you imagine that some girls work as slaves and their bosses are notorious criminals, then visiting them is very wrong IMHO.
I walkdc through an small alley which was not wider than 4 feet. "There are no 'windows' here", was my first thought when I entered the alley. But there were! A young blond East European girl placed here eye on me. She only wore a black panty and a bra. The red lights shined on her skinny body. She looked confused. What the hell was she thinking? I know for sure she saw a transgirl. I was not a potential customer for her. I looked away. I looked back, she was still staring at me. But with a different look. A look full of jealousy. She saw a wealthy girl in a silk designers skirt, out for shopping, enjoying girlhood.
Well girl, I envy you too. At least you don't have genderdysphoria. You don't have to hide. Your job is quite simple. And you are stunning pretty.

Dress for the holidays

I'm so excited! I bought this dress at Ebay. I can't wait to wear it.

The blacks rule the world!

I went for shopping yesterday in Amsterdam in the largest shopping area outside the old center: Amsterdamse poort (Gate of Amsterdam). I knew it is located in a multiculti neighborhood, but I didn't expect so many Africans and Asians. There were just no white people in that crowed place. Okay, there were whites, but they were from Eastern Europe.

Disability

Normally I don't talk about this subject with friends. But on the internet, no subject is too taboo. I suffer from mild incontinence, which means I am not able to relex my bladder muscles completely. So after a visit to the restroom I start dripping when I sit down or bend over. It leaves a very uncomfortable feeling in my panties. I looked up on Wikipedia what the cause of this might be. I was really afraid of having some form of cancer. But is seems to be post micturition dribbling the most common form of incontinence. My doctor assured me I am not too young for having this. There is nothing to do about it. Just sit down and take time to pee.

Happiness is...

..just little things in life, like being Calista in the middle of the night, writing a post in my blog, making some pictures of myself, drinking one glass of white wine, getting lots of nice mails from people, being alone for a moment, having a moment of meditation, people being friendly to Calista in real life. Happiness is my stuff I hide in a secret place.
To summarize: My domain of freedom is my happiness.

And you are always welcome.

Awkward is...

.. when a GG who's sitting next to you in the train, is wearing the same piece of cloth as you.

Gender clinic - follow up

I called the gender clinic and they have put me on the 'waiting list'. It will take 4 or 5 months before I can make my first appointment.

I'm a girl

I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl.

Ah that feels much better.

BTW support the project "Because I'm a Girl". Buy and wear the T-shirt "Because I'm a Girl" and give girls in other parts of the world a better chance!

A new video

Hey friends, it's me again. I just wanted to let you know I have posted a new video. Let me know what you think. I am open to positive critics, because it helps me to become more female.

Putting on make-up

Gender clinic

I read the whole website of the gender clinic in Amsterdam.
http://www.vumc.nl/afdelingen/zorgcentrum-voor-gender/

So I wanted to call them to make an appointment. I opened my cellphone, thought for a while and closed it again. Oh weak me.

Unfaithful

My wife's best friend, who lives next door, was in tears when she called my wife yesterday. She found out that her husband was cheating on her. He didn't went out for fishing last weekend, but he had a short vacation with another girl. And it has been going on for a while. It came as a shock for me too, as I know the guy quite well. He is a few years younger than me and he also has 2 children. His wife is very attractive, slim and sweet.

When I heard about my sister cheating on her husband, it didn't touched me. So why does my neighbors dramatic situation touches me so deep?

Autumn

Leaves are falling, it's getting darker in the evening and it's as dark as the night when I leave my house in the morning. But the autumn also has a lot of advantages. I like to sleep under a thick blanket, I love to drink hot chocolat, I love burning fireplaces. And then the apparel that comes with this season. Boots, gloves, hats, thick pantyhoses with short tartan skirts.
When I looked in my closet, I discovered that I have non of the previous called items. So that means it's time for shopping!

My hairband

My daughter confiscated my hairband :-(

Who I am!

I am thinking about what happend last Monday. Which man walks down the street on a weekday dressed as a girl without sexual intentions, but acting like a normal girl? Not to pull attention from people, but to be in stealth. Without fear?
A man doesn't do this without a reason. Think of all the shame when someone will find out.
During my day out I kept asking myself: "What do I feel right now?" Actually nothing. Just happy, nothing special.
I wasn't dressed like a fetish crossdresser. Neither uber-femme. No skirt, no dress, no floral shirt. Just jeans, plain t-shirt and a cardigan vest. With a small shoulder bag and a backpack I looked like an average student girl.

Now I am starting to understand. I know who I am. Now I know 100% sure I AM a transsexual. What other reason do I have to do this? The magnitude of Genderdysphoria is forcing me to do this, despite the fear and shame.