The Redlight District

 The shortest route from the market at Nieuwmarkt to the Damrak is through the Redlight District. Now I don't enjoy the Redlight District like an average man. I feel sorry for the girls who work there. If you imagine that some girls work as slaves and their bosses are notorious criminals, then visiting them is very wrong IMHO.
I walkdc through an small alley which was not wider than 4 feet. "There are no 'windows' here", was my first thought when I entered the alley. But there were! A young blond East European girl placed here eye on me. She only wore a black panty and a bra. The red lights shined on her skinny body. She looked confused. What the hell was she thinking? I know for sure she saw a transgirl. I was not a potential customer for her. I looked away. I looked back, she was still staring at me. But with a different look. A look full of jealousy. She saw a wealthy girl in a silk designers skirt, out for shopping, enjoying girlhood.
Well girl, I envy you too. At least you don't have genderdysphoria. You don't have to hide. Your job is quite simple. And you are stunning pretty.

Dress for the holidays

I'm so excited! I bought this dress at Ebay. I can't wait to wear it.

The blacks rule the world!

I went for shopping yesterday in Amsterdam in the largest shopping area outside the old center: Amsterdamse poort (Gate of Amsterdam). I knew it is located in a multiculti neighborhood, but I didn't expect so many Africans and Asians. There were just no white people in that crowed place. Okay, there were whites, but they were from Eastern Europe.

Disability

Normally I don't talk about this subject with friends. But on the internet, no subject is too taboo. I suffer from mild incontinence, which means I am not able to relex my bladder muscles completely. So after a visit to the restroom I start dripping when I sit down or bend over. It leaves a very uncomfortable feeling in my panties. I looked up on Wikipedia what the cause of this might be. I was really afraid of having some form of cancer. But is seems to be post micturition dribbling the most common form of incontinence. My doctor assured me I am not too young for having this. There is nothing to do about it. Just sit down and take time to pee.

Happiness is...

..just little things in life, like being Calista in the middle of the night, writing a post in my blog, making some pictures of myself, drinking one glass of white wine, getting lots of nice mails from people, being alone for a moment, having a moment of meditation, people being friendly to Calista in real life. Happiness is my stuff I hide in a secret place.
To summarize: My domain of freedom is my happiness.

And you are always welcome.

Awkward is...

.. when a GG who's sitting next to you in the train, is wearing the same piece of cloth as you.

Gender clinic - follow up

I called the gender clinic and they have put me on the 'waiting list'. It will take 4 or 5 months before I can make my first appointment.

I'm a girl

I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl.

Ah that feels much better.

BTW support the project "Because I'm a Girl". Buy and wear the T-shirt "Because I'm a Girl" and give girls in other parts of the world a better chance!

A new video

Hey friends, it's me again. I just wanted to let you know I have posted a new video. Let me know what you think. I am open to positive critics, because it helps me to become more female.

Putting on make-up

Gender clinic

I read the whole website of the gender clinic in Amsterdam.
http://www.vumc.nl/afdelingen/zorgcentrum-voor-gender/

So I wanted to call them to make an appointment. I opened my cellphone, thought for a while and closed it again. Oh weak me.

Unfaithful

My wife's best friend, who lives next door, was in tears when she called my wife yesterday. She found out that her husband was cheating on her. He didn't went out for fishing last weekend, but he had a short vacation with another girl. And it has been going on for a while. It came as a shock for me too, as I know the guy quite well. He is a few years younger than me and he also has 2 children. His wife is very attractive, slim and sweet.

When I heard about my sister cheating on her husband, it didn't touched me. So why does my neighbors dramatic situation touches me so deep?

Autumn

Leaves are falling, it's getting darker in the evening and it's as dark as the night when I leave my house in the morning. But the autumn also has a lot of advantages. I like to sleep under a thick blanket, I love to drink hot chocolat, I love burning fireplaces. And then the apparel that comes with this season. Boots, gloves, hats, thick pantyhoses with short tartan skirts.
When I looked in my closet, I discovered that I have non of the previous called items. So that means it's time for shopping!

My hairband

My daughter confiscated my hairband :-(

Who I am!

I am thinking about what happend last Monday. Which man walks down the street on a weekday dressed as a girl without sexual intentions, but acting like a normal girl? Not to pull attention from people, but to be in stealth. Without fear?
A man doesn't do this without a reason. Think of all the shame when someone will find out.
During my day out I kept asking myself: "What do I feel right now?" Actually nothing. Just happy, nothing special.
I wasn't dressed like a fetish crossdresser. Neither uber-femme. No skirt, no dress, no floral shirt. Just jeans, plain t-shirt and a cardigan vest. With a small shoulder bag and a backpack I looked like an average student girl.

Now I am starting to understand. I know who I am. Now I know 100% sure I AM a transsexual. What other reason do I have to do this? The magnitude of Genderdysphoria is forcing me to do this, despite the fear and shame.

Backfall

After a day of being a girl I get a fallback moment. What am I doing? What am I going to do with my life? I don't want to live a double life. I want to live a normal life like everyone else. I don't want to switch from male to female and back again. Getting back home and hiding things again.

I must be crazy. Why am I doing this? Help. S.O.S.

just a girl, gone for shopping in Amsterdam

just a girl, gone for shopping in Amsterdam
Originally uploaded by Calista :-)

What a lovely day, made only 2% of all the people confused. No dumb comments. Unfortunately I didn't found anything nice to buy in the center of Amsterdam.
However the market on Waterlooplein was great. A salesman was very nice to me and asked me if I wanted to try a dress in the fitting room.
I'm sitting here in De Bijenkorf.

Young bride

Young bride
Originally uploaded by Calista :-)

A bridal gown is the most feminin garment.

Cis-gendered

Some guys are so cis-gendered that they even don't want to carry a shopping basket. Can you believe that?

Train

I'm sitting in the train. It's late, dark and rainy. There are not much people here, some loud talking elderly Germans and there is an old guy sitting next to me who is reading gay porn. A magazine full with nude boys, hard p***ises and boy love. Hey stop looking at me, keep your eyes on your mag, you dirty old pervert.

My blog

Does anyone read my blog?

Can you say hi when you have read this?

Pregnancy

Why are GG's into babies and getting pregnant? My SO watches every program about babies, labouring and pregnancy on TV. Even the sadest stories.

Well, I guess it takes a womb and monthly periods to like it.

Agh

I'm so tired and hopeless. My back hurts. My eyes are half closed. Yesterday I was shopping at Esprit, but the 70% sales rack couldn't cheer me up. I need some vacation, again. Somewhere far away where the sun shines.

Shopping

I have the intention to write in this blog every day if possible. It helps my English writing and bringing my thoughts into words.
I did some shopping today. The some shops give major discounts at this moment. 50% to 75%. But they are sometimes misleading you. In the Ralph Lauren store in the outlet mall in Las Vegas I saw a stunning pretty top in the sales rack. They gave 90% discount, but the pricetag said $600. That is still above my budget.
So when a blouse is €45 and the discount is 70% it is still €13,50. That is still a lot of money for a piece of clothing that you wear occasionally. I buy it only if I really like it. What I bought today is a hell blue panty, a black bikini top and panty, 3 socks and a navy blue pantyhose. All 2 euros a piece and bought at HEMA and H&M

Dutch judge fashion on price tag

Dutch men and women judge fashion in the first place on the price tag that hangs on the clothes. The collection is second important.

This is shown by a survey of 7,700 consumers by market researcher GfK that has been presented last Monday.

The Dutch woman appreciates the Esprit the most, followed by Miss Etam and Promiss. For men, the store SetPoint gets the highest rating and Jack & Jones and Esprit on the second and third place.

My lines

I like traditions because it's fun to break with them.

A respectable rockband should have at least one gender confused member.

Don't fall off the stairs Calista!

Don't fall off the stairs Calista!
Originally uploaded by Princess Calista

I bought a skirt from Esprit for my SO, but she never wears it. She doesn't know which top will fit best. She thinks a plain top with the same color. I said to her try it with a plain white shirt with a gray vest and a green pashmina. "<insert male name>, green doesn't fit with gray and lila".

Las Vegas

It is time to tell you about my outtings. The first night when I arrived in Las Vegas, I was tired but so curious. So I quickly dropped my luggage in the hotelroom at the MGM and found my way out to the
Strip (as male). If you have ever been in Vegas, you must have noticed the Mexicans with their Callgirl-cards which they give to all men. And when I say all men, I mean all men. Even if they are walking hand in hand with their wife and they are obviously there to celebrate their anniversary. Of course they offered me those cards too and it's hard to ignore them when they are so intrusive.

But as a girl, they don't bother you at all. hehehe Being on the other side is a great experience. Every man should do it once. I noticed that guys were checking me out. Just 1 second to see if I am pretty girl, but too short to see me as a cross dresser. I guess that is what guys do, checking out girls all the time. Some girls gave me a big smile when they recognized me as a CD. One guy asked me if I wanted to have a drink with him somewhere!!! But he was drunk, so that doesn’t count a victory. People in the casino don’t notice anything. They are too focused on the game.

On my third night out I went to a nightclub. Some nightclubs in Vegas let women in for free. I got into Blush for free. I wore my favorite black satin dress, a gray cotton cardigan and golden strappy shoes. Not asking for too much attention. But being in a nightclub on your own is boring. You don’t dance alone and you’re not going to start a conversation with anyone when you are unconfident as a CD. So I went to the restrooms. Left was the mens and right was the womens. I took the right one. I came in a narrow hallway with a long mirror on one side and the rest of the hall was completely covered with a mosaic of small gold shiny mirrors stones. The most beautiful restroom I have ever seen.

(to give you an impression:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/bad_bab/2241412461/in/set-72157603727471130/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/98747789@N00/2178123520/ )

I stood there for 10 minutes and a feeling of narcism came over me. For the first time in my life I felt like a real princess. I was thinking: Paris Hilton must have looked in this mirror, being disappointed about her not-total-perfect appearance that night. [see YouTube video]
But I felt so unbelievable delighted and pretty.

The day before I left I went to David’s Bridal. What David’s Bridal? Yes David’s Bridal! I don’t know where I found the guts to do that, but it was fun. Oh yes it was.

Hiding place

I used to hide my cloths behind a drawer and in my desk when I was young. At that time I didn't had much cloths. Later when I moved to my own house I 'purged' my collection. On the attic I found some space behind a 2 feet high hardboard wall where the roof is on the floor. Unfortunately, we had to move b/c the owner wanted to pull the house down. In our next home I couldn't find any hiding place. And I got sick of hiding things, so I stored everything in boxes and placed it in the attic.

The poor little panties were scared to death when the bad witch discovered them. The nazis have found there hiding place. Now I had to store them in a self storage space in the city.
The only thing I want to hide right now is myself. Oh I believe in yesterday.

A new job

Finally, I quitted my job. It feels like I lost heavy yoke from my shoulders. At first when I left my manager's office I thought: "Do you realize what you have done?". But I guess it's the little voice in our heads that tell you when and what you should do, when it comes to important steps in life. This step was necessary to stay on the road of my life.

Now I am going to be a freelance software consultant. The freedom to decide what projects I want to do and when I want to take some sabbatical weeks attracts me the most in this new job. All the preprations are done, I registered at the chamber of commerce, I have a job licence and I have a long list of potential customers. I can't wait to start.
Some of my customers are banks, universities and local government offices. So I might have to wear a suit when I visit these customers. And I hate to wear suits.

Earlier I said that I hated office sluts so much, but I must take my words back. It's better to be an office slut than an office geek, don't you think? Now I even must admit that I have a slutty suit hanging in my closet next to my mister-career-suit. That whole miss-office-slut-suit had cost me only € 22.50. What a bargain! For the time being, I only wear the pants.

We haven't finished yet. My second plan is more exciting! With the time that is left for me after the consultancy activities, I am going to setup a professional photo editing service. Something like this http://www.iwanexstudio.com/. I don't have to make a living out of it, so there will be no time pressure for me to build up a network with photographers, studios and models. I can start a portofolio with Calista's photoalbum…. or maybe not. Let me listen to the little voice in my head.

She says no.

Green Icetea Lemon drink

1 lemon
30gr (1 oz) of brown sugar
3 spoons Green tea
3 branches of fresh mint

Boil 100ml (3.5 oz) of water. Put the green tea and mint in the boiled water. Let it steep for at least 5 minutes. Remove the green tea and mint and filter the tea. Dissolve the brown suger in the tea.
Squeez the lemon and filter the juice until you have a clear lemon juice.

It's important to do the next steps in the right order. Put the tea in a larger bottle. Add 800ml (28 oz) of cold water. Add the lemon juice. In this way you won't kill the vitamins in the lemon juice.

Put some white sugar on a plate. Moisterize the top of a long-glass. Put the glass upside down in the sugar. Take the glass out of the sugar. Pour the icetea in the long-glass and add some mint leaves and a straw.

Cheers

90 days no-porn

I'm not an oversexed person, at least that is what you might think when you see my pictures on Flickr and MySpace. Though I am addicted to pornography, straight and trans. And I'm certainly not proud of it. So I'm going to restrict myself from seeing pornography for 90 days. Good choice?